Don’t snigger. These are phrases on the web. They’re severe enterprise.
We would have lastly gotten that second trailer, the one I spent months on finish staring on the moon 24 hours a day and electrocuted Nintendo’s nipples in anticipation of. We would have gotten an entire web site value of screenshots and character bios to dissect like forensic scientists scraping certainly one of Trevor Phillips’ victims off the freeway.
But it surely’s by no means sufficient. It’s by no means sufficient, when GTA 6 now isn’t arriving till Could 2026. From my bunker on Mount Chiliad, I’ll scour these morsels we’ve been thrown, I’ll maintain the gun of fact as much as their foreheads, similar to Niko Bellic did to Vlad in that GTA 4 mission. I’ll discover proof of a drop date for GTA 6 trailer three.
You would possibly argue that there’s no proof we’re even due a 3rd GTA 6 trailer – that we’ve already had two, and gotten all the information we may need forward of the discharge date that’s now set in stone. I disagree. There must be one. There’s at all times extra in terms of the largest sport launch for the reason that fall of Constantinople invented the RTS style.
In addition to, GTA 5 had three protagonists, as did GTA 4 for those who rely the DLCs – the angels at Rockstar know the facility {that a} holy trinity wields over us puny mortals.
So, I fireplace up trailer two for the seven thousandth time this week, as a result of what if – I ask myself, in a voice that’s nonetheless some bizarre, monstrous amalgamation of each GTA protagonist ever – the GTA 6 trailer two/delay information drop has something to inform us a couple of third GTA 6 trailer?
Trailer two begins with a joke. As I’ve informed you, that is no laughing matter, however it’s Rockstar making a gag about these leaks, so I have to – in my capability as their devoted servant/fan who spends 22 and a half hours a day on Twitter – giggle for a minimum of 20 minutes. The joke, although, serves a goal. It’s satisfied me that Rockstar is aware of the sport’s afoot.
There’s a racoon within the background rising from a bin. Frantically, I google which era of yr the critters sometimes mate. Late January to mid-March. May this be when GTA 6 trailer three is conceived forward of deployment within the run as much as that Could launch? May or not it’s when the trailer slinks out of the trash can onto our feeds? Possibly, however we’ll should hold working.
Jason Duval is shirtless. I begin counting the person hairs on his very sweaty chest, which I’m observing in a completely respectful method, as a result of he’s a GTA protagonist and we’re not worthy. I maintain a ruler as much as the display and attempt to measure the precise diameter of his nipples, within the hope that maths would possibly yield a clue. I’ve to surrender. He’s simply too rattling horny for me, a straight man in a basement, to pay attention.
We see Jason, now mercifully with a shirt on, driving, after which robbing a retailer. The money register. Written on it’s a quantity, the wrong way up. Oh Rockstar, you shouldn’t have, I really like dialling random cellphone numbers I discover scrawled on partitions round city. 305-555-0145. I ring it. There’s no reply, maybe as a result of I’ve stopped paying my cellphone payments in an effort to finance seven separate GTA+ subscriptions directly.
I panic, and resort once more to maths. 3 + 5 is eight. 5 x 3 is 15. 1 + 4 + 5 is 10. 15 + 10 is 25. 2025. That simply leaves the eight. The eighth month. August. AUGUST 2025 FOR GTA 6 TRAILER THREE? It appears implausible, however that’s by no means stopped me earlier than. Cling on. The moon phases! The outdated dependable we relied on to foretell trailer two.
NO WAY. August 8 will see the moon seem as a WAXING GIBBOUS! The very moon part we thought would level to the second trailer’s arrival. That is unbelievable, I’ve cracked it. I should have. I can’t cease, although. There should be extra information sneaking about like Michael De Santa throughout that mission for Solomon Richards if that’s cropped up.
Let’s see. There’s a freeway signal that hints at coming off at exit three to achieve ninth Avenue in Southside Peacock Bay. Exit three = trailer three? Rockstar actually has been peacocking with these trailers. Argh, is it attempting to confuse me, to throw me off the scent and lose the 5 star needed score?
Additional on, there’s an indication in a store that reads “A brand new billionaire each week”. A brand new little bit of GTA 6 information each week from now till Could 26 subsequent yr? No, no, it might’t be. We’d all die from GTA 6 hype overload, foaming on the mouth like lots of the quite a few victims of substance abuse the GTA collection has portrayed through the years.
There she is. Lucia Caminos. ‘Scorching Collectively’ by The Pointer Sisters begins to play. Cling on. The Pointer Sisters. Scorching Collectively was launched in October 1986. It was their twelfth studio album, and eighth collaboration with producer Richard Perry. There’s that eight once more, however this time with a twelve. The music was additionally used within the soundtrack for the 1987 film Spaceballs, which got here out on June 24. May that be the time once we get one thing? The reveal of a GTA 6: Spaceballs version?
As I attempt to work it out, I overlook to press pause and the trailer retains going. After I look again, Lucia’s backside in a pleasant costume is filling the display. As soon as once more, I’m paralysed as a result of issues are simply getting too horny. Her bum swings back and forth as she walks. As soon as, twice, thrice earlier than the digital camera cuts away.
THREE. Did Lucia’s derriere simply affirm trailer three is coming, past all doubt? As if to re-emphasise it, Jason then says “If we’re doing this, we’re doing it proper.”
I transfer on. The threes hold coming. Bae-Luxe of Actual Dimez says ‘brrraapp’ thrice whereas doing finger weapons. Individuals yell ‘Vice Metropolis, child’, which is three phrases. Cal Hampton humps the air thrice whereas urging somebody to hook him up with one thing. Does he need early entry to trailer three?
It’s all an excessive amount of. I crash out and switch to the web site. I attempt calculating the imply worth of the variety of screenshots of various characters and areas that Rockstar’s shared. It in some way provides as much as 5, which doesn’t appear to assist my concept, so I disregard it as irrelevant.
I find yourself scrolling simply previous the bio of Lucia – the girl with the prophetic posterior.
“Jason’s buddy and a fellow affiliate of Brian’s, Cal feels most secure hanging at dwelling, snooping on Coast Guard comms with just a few beers and a few non-public browser tabs open,” reads the bit about Cal Hampton. His title is three letters lengthy, and there are two references to trios within the passage that prominently incorporates a checklist of three.
“What if the whole lot on the web was true?”
