Being a Star Wars fan has all the time been a roller-coaster experience, with stratospheric highs and Glup Shitto lows. After which there’s Kinect Star Wars.
In April 2012, simply months earlier than Disney introduced plans to purchase Lucasfilm — and the rights to a galaxy far, distant — Microsoft and LucasArts launched their first recreation for the Kinect, Xbox 360’s movement management peripheral. Kinect Star Wars featured 4 recreation modes: podracing, a hack n’ slash Jedi coaching simulator, a “Rancor Rampage” destruction mode, and, bizarrely, a rhythm-based dancing recreation.
Galactic Dance-off featured 15 tracks encompassing a typical assortment for this style of recreation. There was “just a little one thing for everybody,” which implies you tolerate perhaps 4 or 5 of the songs, irrespective of your tastes. The Village Folks’s “YMCA” and Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” had been boomer-friendly, whereas “Genie in a Bottle” from Christina Aguilera and “Stronger” by Britney Spears had been legit pop bangers. Then there was the form of mid-‘00s and early ‘10s pop slop that’s greatest forgotten, like Gwen Stefani’s migraine-inducing “Hollaback Lady,” aka the tune the place she spells the phrase “bananas” again and again. Every observe had revised lyrics to maintain with the Star Wars theming — typically slight tweaks, for others it’s an entire rewrite.
When you’ve seen a stray meme or YouTube video about Kinect Star Wars up to now, it’s in all probability from “I’m Han Solo,” which tailored Jason Derulo’s 2010 single “Ridin’ Solo.” Set within the Bespin carbon-freezing chamber — the stage for Leia and Han’s love confession and Luke’s epic battle with Vader — Solo ascends by means of the ground and proceeds to mud his shoulders off and lift the roof whereas flanked by a pair of Imperial goons. Lyrical highlights embrace “I’m jumpin’ in my Falcon / Wookiee at my aspect” and “Since that carbonite’s off me / I’m residing life now that I’m free.” It’s an enormous tonal shift for each the setting and the character, however the way in which the sport embraces the dorkiness of all of it makes it work.
You may assume that “I’m Han Solo” was the excessive level of Galactic Dance-off, however there have been a pair extra underrated gems within the bunch. “We No Converse Americano” was repurposed as “We No Converse Huttese,” and carried out — you guessed it — solely within the fictional language spoken by Tatooine’s favourite prison syndicate of overweight slugs. It’s not precisely an earworm, as a result of it’s principally simply a number of minutes of gurgling worm noises. Nonetheless, you’ve obtained to admire the dedication to the bit.
“We No Converse Huttese” may not get caught in your head for days on finish, however Kinect Star Wars does some fairly hilarious stuff with the pop princesses on its roster. The sport’s tackle “Genie in a Bottle” is delightfully foolish, even because it makes you think about Carrie Fisher rolling her eyes and dispensing some alternative expletives:
Ooooh / The wookiee’s sayin’ let’s go
Ooooh / However my coronary heart is sayin’ no, no
When you wanna be with me / Solo, there’s a value you’ll pay
I’m a princess in a battle / You gotta be a part of the Insurgent approach
In an analogous vein, although I shudder to consider what number of future Peloton rides it will damage for me, this riff on Britney Spears’s “Stronger” completely slaps. That’s thanks in no small half to its surprising call-outs of obscure Star Wars aliens. This lyricist is aware of their Return of the Jedi lore, people!
Your loneliness ain’t killin me no extra / I’m stronger
Bib Fortuna’s giving me the creeps / Jabba
Salacious Crumb (What a bum!) / Giggles subsequent to you at me
You thought that I couldn’t get away / However you’re flawed
Trigger now I’m stronger than yesterday / Now it’s nothing however my approach
Whereas some songs are undoubtedly extra enjoyable and memorable than others, every observe is oddly mesmerizing in its personal approach. That’s as a result of each character has a creepy face with an unchanging expression, they usually all appear to make use of the identical generic physique mannequin, so Darth Vader has the identical sensual strikes as gold-bikini Leia and the Twi’lek dancer from Jabba’s Palace. Watching C-3PO and Emperor Palpatine wriggle their snake hips whereas phrases like “superior” and “OK” periodically spray throughout their crotches prompts a response I can solely describe as a religious tummyache. So why can’t I peel myself away?
Some readers might come away from this piece wanting to observe each dance observe from Kinect Star Wars on YouTube. I urge you to not overindulge. Like many joys of Thanksgiving, this one is greatest loved yearly, and in small parts. As a substitute, allow us to give thanks for the Xbox Kinect. Although its heyday has lengthy since pale, it has since loved a weird second life as a spirit detection software for beginner ghost hunters, which implies it would by no means, ever actually die.
